"If you don't double-click me, I can't do anything."

"The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier."

"COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods."

"When you’re young, you look at television and think, there’s a conspiracy. The networks have conspired to dumb us down. But when you get a little older, you realize that’s not true. The networks are in business to give people…"

"A friend called me up the other day and talked about investing in a dot-com that sells lobsters. Internet lobsters. Where will this end? The next day he sent me a huge package of lobsters on ice. How low can…"

"Whenever two programmers meet to criticize their programs, both are silent."

"People keep asking me what I think of it now that it's done. Hence my protest: The Web is not done!"

"Microsoft has had its success by doing low-cost products and constantly improving those products and we've really redefined the IT industry to be something that's about a tool for individuals."

"Imagine a school with children that can read or write, but with teachers who cannot, and you have a metaphor of the Information Age in which we live."

"Not until a program has been in production for at least six months will its most harmful error be discovered."

"There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies. And the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies."

"The only constructive theory connecting neuroscience and psychology will arise from the study of software."

"Our biggest demographic is the intelligent professional. They've got a computer on their desk, they've got a web browser and they check us out. We are many people's morning cup of coffee."

"Yesterday it worked Today it is not working Windows is like that"

"Ever notice how fast Windows runs ? — Neither did I."

"Motto for a research laboratory: What we work on today, others will first think of tomorrow."

"The march of science and technology does not imply growing intellectual complexity in the lives of most people. It often means the opposite."

"Documentation is like term insurance: It satisfies because almost no one who subscribes to it depends on its benefits."

"The real accomplishment of modern science and technology consists in taking ordinary men, informing them narrowly and deeply and then, through appropriate organization, arranging to have their knowledge combined with that of other specialized but equally ordinary men. This dispenses…"

"So many good ideas are never heard from again once they embark in a voyage on the semantic gulf."

"Technology is ruled by two types of people: those who manage what they do not understand, and those who understand what they do not manage."

"Any significant boost in technology could just as easily be a rigged demo."

"The advance of technology is based on making it fit in so that you don't really even notice it, so it's part of everyday life."

"The idea is that instead of going to an online retail site ... and buying a physical CD and having it shipped to you, you actually can buy the song and download the song to your computer hard drive."

"In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way."

"Computer science education cannot make anybody an expert programmer any more than studying brushes and pigment can make somebody an expert painter."

"The Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life."

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."

"Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is nothing like Shakespeare."

"Technology does not run an enterprise, relationships do."

"The only problem with Microsoft is they just have no taste. They have absolutely no taste. And I don’t mean that in a small way, I mean that in a big way, in the sense that they don’t think of…"

"Adding programmers to a late project makes it later."

"Macintosh computer are easy to use. It's also easy to stick your hand in a wood chipper."

"If we believe in data structures, we must believe in independent (hence simultaneous) processing. For why else would we collect items within a structure? Why do we tolerate languages that give us the one without the other?"

"Crap... Someone knocked over my recycle bin... There's icons all over my desktop..."

"It is not a language's weakness but its strengths that control the gradient of its change: Alas, a language never escapes its embryonic sac."

"Back up my hard disk ? I can't find the reverse switch !"

"Aquote"

"Technology: No Place for Wimps!"

"Never trust a computer you can’t throw out a window."

"We started putting together a "hotlist" of favorite sites from David and myself, and we called it "Jerry's Guide to the World Wide Web" Before we knew it, people from all over the world were using this database that we…"

"In programming, as in everything else, to be in error is to be reborn."

"Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers."

"The system of nature, of which man is a part, tends to be self-balancing, self-adjusting, self-cleansing. Not so with technology."

"A program without a loop and a structured variable isn't worth writing."

"People say Microsoft paid $14M for using the Rolling Stones song 'Start me up' in their commercials. This is wrong. Microsoft payed $14M only for a part of the song. For instance, they didn't use the line 'You'll make a…"

"Any non-trivial program contains at least one error."

"Many people see technology as the problem behind the so-called digital divide. Others see it as the solution. Technology is neither. It must operate in conjunction with business, economic, political and social system."